thank you to everyone that's helped me smile in the past couple days:
nic, bananas crew, mike, alex, chari, emm, jen, ivy...it's meant a lot to me since smiles are becoming a rare anomly on my face...=)

if you know about this and read this....this song is for you!

tyrese- lately

I can't imange life without you by my sideThis is love baby
That I'm feelin' and I'm hopin' that you're feelin the same way
Things tend to slip my mindLike how you like to wine
And dine baby with romantic lightsYou mean a lot to me in so many ways(chorus)
LatelyHave I told you I love you?Lately
Have I told you, you still mean the world to me?Have I told you I love you?
I'll be your wishin' well tell me want babyVerse 2Don't think twice of our love
I say these things because I love you
But its hard to explain and I'm hopin' that you're feelin' the same way
You know that all of my feelins are inside And verbally
I tend to forget how much I-L-O-V-E-U really means oohh(Chorus) Lately
Have I told you I love you?Lately
Have I told you, you still mean the world to me?Lately
Have I told you I love you?I'll be your wishin' well tell me what you want baby
BridgeTry your hardest to dealYes I forgot but you know how I feel
Things slip my mind babyAnd thats a fact
Tell me you love me and I'll tell you-back babyChorus till end

 
super queso cd part ii

ok ....i think i just need to breathe.....

everything keeps happening at once. i know i sound like such a bitter betty on this thing, but if you think about it, you never know how you really feel until you put it in words...when you talk, when your write, when you type...well that's the story for me anyways...i think i walk through the world pretty numb. i have no idea how or why i got this way. maybe gettin hurt too many times makes you cold? are just gettin desensitized to everything makes you numb? whatever it is...it really only seen on paper.

surrounding myself with such sadness is a lot of the cause of my sadness...neg vibes around me = neg vibes in me...if my cohorts would just be happy then i would be too i guess... but i sh ouldn't blame it all on them. a lot of the time i become the cheerer upper...i don't mind it really...but when will i be the one to be cheered up?

i sound so whiny...i think if i were just to smile i'd be ok...even if its fake...maybe that's how all those fake ppl deal with the drearyness of their lives?? they put on such a fake front of happiness that they eventually believe that they are happy? but what good would that life be? fake happiness?

just breathe....it'll all work out ... i know it will...its just for the time being, is the worst, and right now i feel like i'm at hitting the biggest worst experience i've had in a long while...

just breathe.....

 
dashboard confessional's, swiss army romance

thanks for caring cornbread...i'm ok really...its been a really shitty month and when i'm typing this thing out i just realize how shitty its been, but when i'm around great friends like you, you helpme forget!

so its already been a shitty week? bu its only tuesday to me rightnow...early morning typing doesn't count as the next day for me...what the fuck is going on? issues with my family back home, issues with friends here, issues with school...i guess issues in general are taking over my life...ahhhhhhh and just when i thought i was gonna quit smoking...there goes that idea!

karen...i love you, things will get better i promise! you can never be boring...fuck that person who messed with your confidence...he has no clue what he's talking about!

things were going really well....and now...the world's upside down again...how does that work out?????????

 


You appear to others around you as a person who is simply "laid back" From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy... You have the ability and you are the first to know this but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

It's the old old story ... I am misunderstood ... my partner, (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated... It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by.......As for developing a firm relationship ... Inwardly, deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that, if you open up your heart and feelings ... you are sure to get hurt. But since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm ... you feel that there is that need to conform.. but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.

Matters have not gone well for you. You are experiencing severe stress trying to guard yourself from further disappointments.It would seem that all of your hopes and dreams have not been realised .. and you are now beginning to doubt yourself. You no longer wish to be further advised by anyone and you insist on going it alone... to control your own destiny. Even though deep down you doubt whether things will get better in the future... you have one consolation - and that is that they couldn't possibly get worse. Unwilling to give up anything that you possess, you are looking for some sort of security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position and prestige. You are so negative that you tend to exaggerate your problems and refuse to accept any advice from so called well-meaning friends.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a "trier" and indications are that you will .... as indeed you have in the past "bounce back".
====================================================
eeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do this colorgenics test occasionally just to see how i'm doing...and its scary how true it can be...man...i'm pretty fucked up...

 
super queso cd again...

hahaha i got nic into this...
wow...lifes going pretty good at the moment. the weather's grand...yes i said grand....school shmool somehow i know it'll take care of itself. music is getting better and better. i don't know what i can complain about...

well except all the stupid drama that's happening around me...but really it doesn't truly affect me. its just that now i know a lot about ppl that i'd rather not know. so my interactions with them may change and be different. hopefully i can act "normal" around them. but really even that's not bothering me....

at least i have my bitch session crew...those are gonna be fun times. friendships....the bestest ones...are the ones where you talk shit about people...ok ok i'm sure that's not true..but the dearest friends i have h ave been there for me through the worst of times and the best times...and the thing we have in common is that we talk shit...oh well it isn't shit if its true right???? and damnit...the truth fuckin hurts!

 
super queso cd...

are things finally getting better in life?? hopefully so...episode was fun. i've been spending way too much time with alex and chari...we sound stupid when we're normal!!! and everything we talk about is smoking!!!! ahhhhhhhh damn us!!!! emm's set was really beautiful...i know they were bummed they couldn't sing with theband, but it sounded fuckin tight to me!

moving on is getting easier...yay....=)

as ice cube would say, "today was a good day..."

 
nic's acoustic cd...

nic your cd's are great, but there all scratched up!

i'm actually feeling good. it could be all the music...maybe its the hanging out with old friends. kickin with chari and alex and having bbq at rex and g's was dope. i've never been so stuck before...damn ppv and hbo for showing so many movies!

and i really think i am moving on...taking nic and jen's advice helps. and i think its getting there....it felt like forced feelings before, but now it seems genuine. who knows whats going on..like i said i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see how everything turns out...

drama in other perspectives is not going to bother me. i'm just gonna sit back and watch it unfold and really laugh when the shit hits the fan. come on now how dope would it be if all this drama were to come out??? it seriously would be tight because then all the false impressions of people would disappear and then everyone would realize how fake people were being with each other. i feel like such an ass for falling for it....damn i'm dense if i'm not blatantly told what's going on...

tha'ts how i am with everything tho...someone could like me and i would have no fuckin clue because i'm so oblivious...sheesh....i know i should work on it...but that's hard..

damn...i really need to burn all of nic's cds....maybe you won't be getting these back on monday nic..hehehehe

 
listening to that makes my day sooooo much better... =)

 
this is a beautiful song that everyone should know....
Amel Larrieux - Make Me Whole



Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

 
ozma again...

life is drama...

i will take your advice nic...its the same advice jen gave me...not your jen, my best friend jen...

but now with sheila's news...more drama...tell theda to ask please please please!!!

go with the flow elaine go with the flow...remember the tao of pooh...it'll all work out in the end it'll all work out in the end...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's what i'm feeling at this very moment...oh well i'd be bored if it weren't for all the drama's that i seem to find myself in hehehe =P

 
ozma in the background....

woiw...last nights entries really are sad and depressing...maybe it was because the yesterday i had this on going headache and plus it was boiling hot out (what kind of winter is this!!) and all i wanted to do was sit in the ocean....

now i'm ok...thanks ryan for listening to me last night. random im from a blast from the past. although i know you couldn't give me any advice that i haven't heard already, i was glad that you were there to listen. you really summed up my situation simply, which is really what i needed to hear because i have this tendency of complicating things. hopefully we'll talk more...i miss those simple days when we would make fun of everyone in the yahoo dawson's creek chatroom...do you remember those days?? hope so because that's how i met your ass! g'luck with the whole writing thing

since i have a tendency of perpetually putting myself in situations that cause me distress i'm doomed to be eternally bummed...but thankfully i have some dope ass friends who don't mind my moments of insanity ....many moments of insanity...so thanks everyone especially to the few ones who see my go crazy every now and then again (yes that's you jen, ivy, and all the rest of you vanessa, richard, ronald, jose... ) i guess the la ppl are the only ones who get to see me stress because your house is my stress reliever from OC life...if it weren't for the constant supply of alcohol (the eternally full cabinet in the kitchen), vicadin (so maybe it was a good thing jen's a klutz and she broke her arm and she still has some left), and other drugs (ronald...enough said...) ok ok i poke fun...you all know that i only raid the liquor cabinet...i can't afford ronald's drugs and jen's vicadin always doesn't seem right bc i'm waaaayyyy to drunk to take it when i'm there...hehehe =P

thank god for ozma and kick ass punk music to get me happy again... =)
ah yes and i must pay homage to the nicotine god...i am addicted....

 
so i guess i'm not getting better....

 
the avalanches, since i left you

ok so i think i'm getting better...well kind of...

i really feel myself pulling away from people when i should be getting closer to them. instead i'm sticking to what i know best and not leaving my comfort zone, which as we all know is not what college is all about. college life, minus the whole getting an education, is all about learning to break out of your comfort zone. i thought i was achieving that goal, but alas i've succumbed to digression...

i have no fuckin clue what it is...and what i should do...i know the new friendships build character and time and i was perfectly fine with meeting new people and making new friends, but shit. i've been in this college game for a good long four years and i'm tired of the fake friendships, the friendships that only consist of hello's and goodbyes...the friendships the consist of saying what's up to each other on ring road...i guess that's why i'm weary of new friendships...i don't want to waste my time on a friendship that'll only last for a short period of time...i've expended too much energy and time in bullshit like that...so if you're one of the few people that read this please take this to heart...maybe you can pull me out of this weird funk i'm in...

although people around me may not see it because (i thought) i had this amazing ability in covering up all my grief and putting on that retail smile...but lately i've been slipping and the bitterness and sadness that's in me has started to creep out. the past is starting to creep out i guess...too many times of being burned by fake friends have turned me cross and cold on the inside. a side that only a few people really get to see.

getting lost in alcohol and cigarettes hasn't been a sufficient enough answer, so what is? fuck i ain't gonna knock it, bc hey, we all know that its fun getting drunk off your ass and cigarettes magically taste so wonderful when your drinking, but there's got to be a better answer to fill an empty void...

shit i sound so fuckin depressed right now...i should just bitch slap myself out of this stupid haze...but then that would take time and
effort, and well if you know me i'm so fuckin lazy that i can't even do that!

could it be that the my friends who mess and stress with the fact that they don't have a significant other is true and that's all i probably need? shit i fuckin hope not!!!

thank god the cd i'm listening to is sick...yes i said sick...there's one escape that'll help me for the time being...

does anyone out there have the answer to all this???? or all we all walking around this earth doomed to an eternity of fake happiness and internal depression?

shit i better stop typing before my madness sounds like rambling...oh shit...too late...

 
music of the mind:....kroq's playing in the background...

i've really gotta concentrate on school...i swear i'm going to get my ass kicked this quarter.

i was and still am bummed out about the fact that my supervisor told me i need to be around my resis more...but i really don't know how i can do that. only child syndrome??? i've had the tendency of going off and doing my own thing without worrying about anything, that perhaps i gotta alter that...who knows...

i was a lil'down yesterday because of all that drama, but now i'm ok. i'm trying to get to the road to eternal happines...b/c what is there in life if you're not happy...sheesh i sound like a fuckin hallmark greeting card. now but i'm really actually getting there. the people i was angry at....i'm no longer angry at. i have to make a vow to myself to not assume the worst in people, but its kinda hard when you've been let down so many times...

i thought that too many changes around me caused me to not feel pain and sadness anymore...but its not true. i'll let it prick me for a second, and then i'll move on. if that makes me a cold hearted bitch, then maybe that's what i am. i wouldn't be surprised. although i'm generally nice and have my sweet tendencies i see myself as a harsh person that at times can be unforgiving....oh what a sad reflection of myself.

hopefully this day goes well...cross your fingers...

i have no idea what can fix this funk i'm in....hanging out with friends has been a help, but its academically hurting me...academic shmackademics....but thanks to all those friends that have just been there with me to lounge, have a beer, have a smoke...its a momentary spurt of instant gratification that i truly appreciate....

 
soundtrack of the day: gross pointe blank soundtrack

i think i've finally come to grips with the fact that i have to move on... life's too short to be pining over something that most likely will not happen. i've been a walking bumbling idiot for the past couple weeks, so i think its time for me to get over it. and also i'm sick and tired of feeling like a moron, when i know there are better things out there...why bother with things that cause me to worry and stress so much. so that's it i'm over it. i know hans will probably tell me that i'm not over it, which is true, most likely i'm not...but if i keep telling myself i am i'm pretty sure i will be...

so the constant reminders will have to disappear and i'll have to simply think that those are just songs and these are just restaurants and that's just beer, not reminders of the past...

life was so much easier when i didn't let things of the heart get involved with my judgement...is it bc its feb that its all happening?!?!?! what a crappy hallmark event thats been created to mess with the minds of people! its just another prime example of how marketing and retail have created people to stress over holidays that would otherwise be perfectly fine if we just spent them with each other and not stress over presents and gifts...valentines day, chrismas, etc etc etc...

on a brighter note i've fallen in love with music again...it seems to be the best and safest escape from life. alcohol and smoking have been escapes that are detrimental to my health, but music just seems to be detrimental to my wallet...i'm gonna concentrate on what i already have and enjoy that...and if i need anything new i'll just ask one of the many friends with a burner to get those songs for me...=) i know that might be pretty hard since i've bought at least one cd every week for the past month and a half.

at least being back home has given me a chance to do three months worth of laundry...yeah i think that's a sign that i lots, loooooootttttttssssssssss of clothes...
and thank god for parents and there unconditional love that pressures them into giving their children food and money =)

 
thinking and typing to: dashboard confessionals, the swis army romance

lately i've been thinking that i'm a walking contradiction...

like i said earlier taking a risk doesn't hurt for that while, but i was just talking to ivy today about the fact that i don't know if i can truly put everything out there and on the line...

sometimes i really feel like my life can be best summed up with a lyric from the paula abdul song, "opposites attract"
"two steps forward and two steps back..." that's what life seems to be for me at the moment. just when i feel like i'm making some progression and leeway with my perspective on things i start to digress...ahhhhhhhhhhh why do i still do that?!?!?!?!

a lot of things have happened today...like the revelation that the blunt bitchy person has been coming out a lot lately. i really need emil to put me on check right now like he did when we worked at border's together. my customer service attitude is starting to spiral down. but then again who wants the facade attitude of customer service. retail's just out to rape your wallet anyway...

i guess all this anguish is coming out due to the fact that i bombed my stats today. it sucks when you walk into a test and completely know NOTHING. i've come to the conclusion that i should go to class and actually study. but its hard when i've had a lot of distractions like people telling me not to go to meetings or study, so i can have lunch with them because they have nothing to do...devil on my shoulder, my ass!

ahhh but at least the night was fun...spoken word, roscoe's chicken and waffles (yay sunrise!) and 24 hour starbucks...crossover tomorrow...technically today in 3 1/2 hours...no sleep til brooklyn again?!?!?! i'm surprised this insomnia that i inherited hasn't burned me out, but i'm hanging in there...

thankful for:
*good friends (even ones who are evil bitches....there are many of you out there!)
*good conversation
*jt blocks...damn you mikey for introducing that to me!

 
replacements???? i'm questioning whether or not that's what i've been doing with people lately.
its sad to think that people are replacable, but maybe the people that are replacable really aren't the people i should be talking too...

okay i know that's a lie...b/c i'm the type that likes to keep in touch with people. although in the past i know i've been very bad with keeping in touch with my friends when we've gone on different paths. i subconsciously probably let my laziness be an excuse for not keeping in touch with people that i just really didn't have any true connections with. i've noticed lately that if i feel strongly about my friendships i'm actually maing a cnscious effort to keep them by making the effort to pick up the phone and dial their number...

is that a speck of maturity seeping through me????

 
now i'm standing at the puters in the cross...

its extremely hot out today, what kind of winter is this???
winter in socal i guess...

v-day is here and its the same ol'same old. i'm blah with
the whole concept of valentines day...

oh well...taylor was right, when your out with your friends relishing in the fact that you don't have a valentine...you're actually all wallowing in the sorrow of not having anyone to share 2/14 with...

blah blah blah that's all there is to say at the moment...my brain is not functioning very well...its probably due to all the alcohol that i've been consuming...

now people are telling me not to drink, but these were the same people intially pushing me to drink?!!! my crutches are backing out on me man!!! ahhhhh

okay enough of this...this is too much senseless mindless rambling...

 
topsy turvy month leads to a dramatic life....
lifes gone from up, to down, to up again...
but wouldn't life be really boring without a lil' drama????

someone told me that happiness is really small spurts of instant gratification...
and long term happiness is really only spurts of instant gratification linked together
currently i'm at an even keel of instant gratification which is pretty nice

epiphanies made in the past couple of days:
*the people that i may share my day with....may not be the ones i consider true friends...
the people i see in my phone, the ones that i can depend on a good conversation with....
may not be the people i hang out with...amazing how technology has now affected the way i determine the
hierarchy of my friendships
*good conversation (whether its talking shit about people, sharing life stories, or perplexing
my mind with an interesting factoid) is a sign of friendship
*comfortable silence is a better one...
*taking a chance only hurts for a lil' while, but at least i know i'm living life without any regrets...
"i should have done this or that..." won't be frequently coming out of my mouth or my mind
*music makes EVERYTHING better...
*alcohol is not the solution, but its fun for the time being...
*smoking is not the solution, but its fun for the time being...

btw: happy valentines day! aka single awareness day...ironic how that spells S.A.D...