its a long and tedious process, this thing called life...

 
i've come tot he conclusion that all my friends in or around my age bracket...are confused. we have no idea what we want and are scared of what will become of us in the future. there's no solution to this problem but time i guess. its sad to think that every 20something goes through some kind of mini midlife crisis...where we know absolutely nothing and the only thing certain is uncertainty.

just a revealation that occured...life's pain...life's change...life in the end..should turn into happiness...

signed by me,
a lost soul trying to live life...

 
oh happy day...i didn't fail

grades are as follows: psych 198 A -, film 130 A -, Asian Am 101 B, SocSci Stats 9b D, Spanish NP
hell yeah i didn't get an F in stats. you all don't understand...i really thought that i was gonna fail that class and to hear the tele guy say "Soc Sci Stats 9b D" was like hearing angels sing. so the gpa didn't get too damaged this quarter. it was pretty smart of me to change that spanish grade to p/np. 2.8 this quarter baby!!!

yay...i'm living proof that being a slacker isn't that bad. =)

 
i've just joined the 21st century...

i now own a dvd player...

i just have to wait for it to come in...

stupid loan check for kickin in! i still owe ppl money....eek!

oh well, ppl owe me $$$ money too...

 
nic your right. love and basketball is a great movie. i just got it today, saw it and fell in love with it and the soundtrack. and god dayam could omar epps be hotter???? i'm sorry but if you haven't seen it...go rent it right now!

 
jen i have just emailed you the url to this blog. your hw is to read all my entries....hahahah ok ok that would simply take forever, but now you know where its at and you can see how your best friend is doing...=)

 
its really sad when you can't let your initial judgements of ppl fade away...are these negative words that should be in internecinus? oh well fuck it i'm gonna blast them here...

it must suck to be my friend...or someone around me that i dislike. bc i really can't stand being around fake people. i tend to shut down and my personality doesn't emerge when i've come to a point with ppl that i can't stand. nic's seen it happen and i just caught myself doing it today. when ppl that i feel neg towards are around me i can't be myself. i won't be blatantly mean. i'll give the cold shoulder maybe...i'll smile and be civil...but i just can't fake friendships anymore. its really sucky being a judgemental bitch...but when ppl just don't feel right why should i fake "enjoying" there company right???

the sad thing is that sometimes people don't even have to do anything to have me dislike them. its just something inherently in them that i can't stand. that's such a horrible thing to say, but hey that's how i feel. i dont know if its if your inherently evil, stupid, or fake, but i'll pick it out and dislike you. which is a good thing ain't it? to be able to see through a person's mask is difficult at times. i think i've had too much training in seeing through them tho...i'm tired of this bullshit and bullshit ppl...

hmmm....it makes you wonder......

 
yay ok there not in the lil tables like all the rest of the shit in here...but at least you can see my links....

ok i've spent way too much time trying to figure that out...

man i'm bored....

=)

 
okay so i decided to go for another change of scenery...new quarter new season new blog background...the only prob is that i haven't mastered the ability of being able to see my links so you'll have to guess which other blog you want to venture off to...

ahhh...the boredom of spring break...

 
music of the mind: the heart of the mattter; frank sinatra sings about love

i think i've been writing in internecinus too much, but then again that's where all the drama goes so thus i shall be writing over there. yeah it was a dramatic two days of spring break. its been a break of realizations.

realization one)

i really dont have a home now. i know this sounds depressing and should go in internecinus...but here goes. when you get to the point in your life where you realize that the house you grow up in is not your home, its a sad state of affairs. when i was driving back to irvine i realized this. my house back in the valley doesn't even feel like home. it feels like a place where i simply sleep and shower...a hotel if you will. everytime i go home something bad happens, this visit was no exception. shit went down and i've deemed my parents neurotic insane characters. i know you think you're parents are strange...but m ine are literally crazy. for those of you who know the story you understand....i really dont know how i'm gonna be there for three months...i think i'll b e in OC on a lotta ppls couches.

realization two) i get over things quickly/slowly. i know this makes no sense, but only sense to me. bc i got over two ppl both quickly and slowly. like there's still pieces of me that feel shitty, but then again those pieces die out really quickly and i'm reminded of why i dont like these ppl. bc for one thing...there not the greatest of ppl...hahahha j/k they're great, but well...bad timing, mix matched personalities or too alike personalities just wouldnt have been fun times...

realization three) i'm a music fiend...ok ok this one isn't as profound as the first two but its a realization. i bought the sinatra cd at this record store hear music @ 3rd st. its fuckin bomb ass shit. and i can't help but hear "one mic" by Nas in my head. that's becomin my current fav song. and nas is turnin into the cutie pie of the week. hahha hans nic get ready to hear me gush hahaha j/k

its 135om and i've done jackshit...ahhhh the beauty of spring break...

 
to my ever dearest stalker...

thank you for all your support and love. you mean the world to me too. just when i thought i wasn't gonna cry a tear slipped by me you fucker. if i didn't know any better i'd say that you were my best friend?!?! hahaha you are and no worries through all the shit we've gone through i don't think that bond could be broken. i know i can turn to you for anything and you can turn to me too. i guess the only child in me likes to take everything upon myself, but when all else fails i turn to few people and one of them is you. we shared pain, tears, affirmations, friendship, and love...and for that i say thank you.

who knew friendships came in such odd anomilies as ourselves huh?

there's been too much affirming goin on around here!!! i usually say, "if i had the courage i would tell you that i loved you everyday...
but for the time being i'll just say hi... hi" but i can honestly say that i have the courage to tell you that i love you everyday...

so stalker/power duo/best friend

nic

i love you

 
retreat is in 2 hours i still need to pack, but i'm not too worried...
i hope this weekend is fun filled...its gonna be my last retreat. hope to make the best of it. i've had a good run while its lasted. but i must say i'll be glad when all this kaba responsiblity shit is over and done with. i can't wait to pass the fuckin torch on to someone else.

the glenn lewis cd is tight....next stevie wonder i say...

last night was good times minus the fact i spilled a quarter of a pint on someone..eeek and i realized i lost a credit card that was found the next day, so its all good.

it really reminded me of why i get along with certain people. when it comes down to it i'm a bitch with a horrible mouth, but at least i have fun while doing so...it was good times. surprisingly sorority boys was a good movie. and yardhouse, well with its lovely beer selection of course it was a good time. it was just good seeing mikey again. the guy's a fuckin homie and i love the fact that i can just talk shit to him and it doesn't phase him at all. and he can do the same to me too...good times good friends ... what youth is all about...damn when they move down here it's gonna be a hellauva time...

and no worries to everyone out there who knows the history of that situation...i'm over guys named mike...especially this one...it just was really fun hanging out.

i'll catchya laters i'll be out of commission til tuesday nite...

 
you can't take the grin off my face
this silly smirk you can't replace
the happiness i feel
is oh surreal
and the world's seems like such a wonderful place
good news, great news
heard (hopefully) by all
now the only thing on my mind is not to stalll
cleaning my room is #1 on the agenda
but the bed is lookin quite comfy and splenda
errands to run
things to do
the beach may be on the agenda too
crabs, lobsters, and rice might be the plan
kickin it with homies with a beer in my hand?
that sounds like the life
easy and chill
no one worrying about the fattie bill
it'll all work out
it always does
altho sometimes, that shit can kill a buzz
its all good tho
lifes been pretty carefree
no worries no stress
just happiness
just happiness...
===============================================================

i got the asam ha job. finals are over. spent the night chillin with some ra homies. had breakfast with them and shared the joy of getting the ha position with them. plan on chillin the rest of the day...possibly cleanin my room, possibly going to redondo and eatin some crabs and lobsters....hmmmmm crabs and lobsters, and partyin tonite for henry's going away thing...

lifes lookin pretty swell...

=)

 
surprises i love:
*random phone conversations from old friends
*random ims from old friends
*late nites with good friends
*good convo's with good friends
*laughin at inside jokes
*laughin at the stupidity of some ppl
*40s and lil'bottles of wine at the beach
*smokes at the beach
*snail mail letters from friends
*realizing that lost friendships/relationships can be salvaged

surprises i hate:
*convo's that start with, "so i have to tell you something...." followed by an extremely awkward pause...
(yes this is directed at you mike!!!!!)
*running out of smokes, when your super stressed
*hearing that you have 0.45 in the bank, when you swore you had about a hundred
*having no $$$ at a bar
*being the bearer of bad news
*hearing bad news

 
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

these are just words, the words that come out from my brain, my random thoughts, my emotions and feelings

moments are special, too bad sometimes you don't realize it until its too late

friends are special, please never forget that and i'll try never to forget that you are special to me

life = happiness = being content

love surpasses all the concrete definitions that we know

time and change are the only thing constant in life
i only hope that each time i acknowledge it
i'm mature enough to realize that i really have had of a keen ol'time at life...
=========================================================

if i had the courage i would tell you that i loved you everyday...
but for the time being i'll just say hi...








HI

 
I LOVE YOU

and its not bc i'm drunk at all!!!

i'd tell u that anyways....well at least some of you...for other friends i don't tell that to you, bc we haven't gotten to that point in our friendships...

but know that i do love you too...

=)

 
since mid-janurary until now i've learned/experienced (again) the heartache of misunderstanding, the beauty of friendship, the love of family, the insanity of finals, the comfort of true friends, and the pain of insomnia....

at least i've always turned to music to save me....so the soundtrack for this roller coaster of a quarter thats got me through it has been my savior....
stephen speaks, dashboard confessional, robert miles, the avalanches, the eagles, the ocenas 11 soundtrack, super queso cd ii, miles davis, random dance mix, craig david, tragic kingdom: capitol depression, ozma, random punk stuff, bill evan's, sade: lovers rock, daft punk, remy shand, jaguar wright, jay-z unplugged, moulin rouge soundtrack, maxwell, jack johnson, jimmy eat world, and more...

 
friends are such odd anomalies....

because you can love them one minute and then be completely angry with them the next...

but ultimately you're there for each other

 
i'm sorry people had to see me throught my insanity...finals are essentially done... can't wait for wednesday..chillin in the valley with my charlie and mike...can't wait...res evil and dan's sub!! hells yeah corn beef baby!!

nic: thanks for the conversation and clearing all the shit up. i know you were lookin out for me, but next time...just fuckin tell me alright? i love you still!!!

i've been up for almost 48 hours and i'm still truckin...hahah i'm delusional and ambivalent and i just dont give a shit ahahahah

 
i think i can honestly say that too much caffiene, nicotine, and finals have made me insane and delusional...

ohmygawd....i've gone fuckin crazy...fuckin mad....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 
music of the mind: stephen speaks

dedicated to sean, charlie, vincent, eloisa...

Getting teased to the point of tears,
Sometimes by you, sometimes protected by you
But I know that in some way, in some fashion
You'd be by my side.
Enjoying. Sharing. Experiencing
the happiness of childhood
the pain of adolescence
the wonderment of being an "adult"
And then realizing how good we really had it.
5 kids, like brothers and sisters
connected by the fact our mothers were sisters
5 kids, who nearly spent every waking moment with each other
At school, at Tonapah, at Marson...
Somehow we were always together
And then...
1 left...
4 kids, left to share the same school,
the same troubles
Living up to reputations of name...
Not having a name...
Constantly being associated by our familial connection
"Your Sean's cousin...You're Charlie's brother..."
Always a point of reference
It seemed like I could never be myself...
just another point of reference
And then slowly we leave
We grow older
We're no longer kids,
We're no longer close
but somehow the bond still remains,
Physically we're far apart
Emotionally we're not
like brothers and sisters we were
Fighting. Bickering. Loving
At least, I know, at the end of the day
there are 4 other people in this world
who I will have a shoulder for me to cry on...
who I can share a drink with...
who I will always share my life with...
I love these people
Family by blood
Friends by choice
At least with them I'll never lose my voice.

 
altho i know i should be shitting bricks about finals...i'm not.

i have returned to the cross to study, hoping to get a lil' motivation...but alas...movtivation is completely and totally at a loss...

ahhh ambivalence what a wonderful thing...

 
music of the mind: eagles greatest hits volume 2

eek, so i've slept the day away and haven't studied at all...

tonites gonna be a fun night of cramming...ahhh college life.

too many distractions in such a small time span = no studying. i hope this doesn't sound like complaining because its more like i'm stating a fact. right now i'd rather have the distractions bc that's whats more fun. you learn more outside of the classroom in college, correct? then i guess i'm getting a hellauva lot of education bc i've been enjoying my life outside of the classroom a bit more.

ok the weird thing is ... i honestly feel no stress.... i know that i should be freaking out over finals, but i'm not. what happens happens. and i know i totally deserve the shitty grades that are coming to me. i'm not in this delusional state of how i want the greatest of grades even tho i don't deserve them anymore. could it be bc i'm a 4th year and don't give a shit about the grades anymore? i don't know. it could be that i just realize there are more important things in life and i'm enjoying those things right now. too many times i've stresses over minute details that in the end have meant nothing to me...at least now i've realized that life is NOT one big ball of stress. life IS a big ball of good times.

i guess all those years of rough moments have finally paid off...i know what's coming to me and can accept it. and in the end whatever happens will happen...like there's no stopping it. maybe i'm turning more a beliver in fate i guess? or this, i guess commitment, to taoism has finally turned into a reality? i dont know if i reached a true understanding of what the tao is, but all those years of me chaninting, "it gonna work out in the end," to myself seem to have paid off, bc now i believe it...

i believe that the eagles are one of the greatest rock bands in the entire world. sorry.."i can't tell you why" is playing right now...i hope this doesn't shock anyone that i listen to i guess..."classic rock" i got this cd when i was like a sophomore in high school and totally fell in love with them....influence of my parents...and i love them. they fuckin rock when they're jamming and when they're hella chill...its amazing. hello! hotel california ?? life in the fast lane?? victim of love??? if you're not down with them you're totally missing out on some dope ass shit...

sorry had a momentary lapse of soap box syndrome...

but the eagles are the greatest...hah....

time to continue on with this thing called life....at least i can finally say, i'm enjoying it to the fullest....

 
when all else fails....go to the movies...=)

 
doing everything but studyin...yay..=)

 
every time i see the book and all its stories...i wanna grin
every time i listen to the music and all the lyrics...i wanna grin
every time i talk to you and hear you speak...i wanna grin
every time i see your smile and see the gleam in your eyes...i wanna grin
every time i read your letter and hang out with you...i wanna grin
every time i find you to go hang out and do absolutely nothing...i wanna grin
every time i have a smoke break in front of the cross and you sit with me and inhale my 2nd hand...i wanna grin
every time i sleep on your couch and you have coffee waitin for me in the mornin...i wanna grin
every time i walk in the door and your happy to see me...i wanna grin
every time i think twice bc of something you said and i laugh at your crazy train of thought...i wanna grin
every time i go get breakfast and we pretend we're chp students...i definitely wanna grin

simply put....

every time i'm with you...i wanna grin

i'm grinning... ;)

 
glad /glad/ adj. (glad der, glad dest) 1 pleased 2 expressing or causing pleasure 3 ready and willing

happy /hap'e/ adj. (pi-er, pi-est) 1 feeling or showing pleasure or contentment 2a fortunate; lucky b (of words, behavior, etc.) apt; pleasing --hap'pi ly adv.; hap'pi ness n.

peace /pes/ n. 1a quiet; tranquility b mental calm; sereneity 2 freedom from or the cessation of war 3 freedom from civil disorder 4 hold one's peace keep silent

smile /smil/ v. (smiled, smil ing) 1 have or assume a happy, kind, or amused expression, with the corners of the mouth turned up 2 (foll. by on, upon) favor --n. 3 act of smiling 4 smiling expression

even the dictionary understands my disposition...=)

 
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
--moulin rouge--

ok not only is that one of the greatest movies of all time, but that's the best quote i've heard from a movie in ages...(altho there are many from the usual suspects that are amazing as well....and say anthing, swingers, willi wonka...ok focus on the task at hand elaine!)

and its true. last night was a prime example of it. i was up in la with the homies and i simply hung out. sat in front of the tv, watched movies, ate delivery chinese food, had some coffee, some cigarettes...(btw why on earth is a cup of coffee and a cigarette the greatest thing in the entire world when you wake up from a night of doing nothing? yes...i broke my no coffee rule...=/ oh well it's so fuckin perfect together damnit!) i know you may asking, "how does that have anything to do with love?" but if you think about this was a random trip to la for me...something i haven't done in a while. i've done the let's go out fridays, but not a random day in the week just to chill in a while. and simply that act, is an act of love to me. do you see it?

i've been writing about friendship and how i love the best kind which is to simply do nothing together....the comfort level with people, your true friends, equals an amazing sense of trust, care, and love. i'm tired as fuck from not sleeping...well napping for 3 hours...but its a good tired bc its from spending time with the people i care the most about and we're not even blood related.

this house makes me feel welcome, it lets me escape, and they let me be me....they love me from me and i love them for who all those indiviuals in 1623 brockton #5 (honoraries included:ro, richard, etc...) are as well.

i can honestly say i think i've learned the greatest thing...

and for that i say a big

thank you...

 
dashboard confessional....the swiss army romance

people keep making me speechless...i dont know what it is. could it be that its spring? or that the sun is shining brighter even tho the wind has picked up? i don't know for some strange reason blue skies keep shining on me at the moment. perhaps i've finally found "it" i'm no longer looking for anything right now and i'm relishing in what i have and loving it. everything just seems right. there may be the drama going on but i feel no stress about it anymore. nothing seems to be a worry. it feels so good. it feels amazing.

i don't even have to think about it anymore. i think the fact that i realize that i need to relish in what i have now just seems to come naturally....

everything is falling into place. the book that is my life seems so much more peaceful now....

thank you, whatever higher power that is up there....buddha, god, jesus, muhammed, zoraster, ganish, the virgin mary, my ancestors....whoever it is out there that oversees my life, thank you for having me see it....its a great feeling that i love to know...i don't think i've ever really understood what peace was until now...

it's awesome...

 
i am constantly and throughouly amazed at people sometimes...

like how they can have so much faith in their faith. i'm personally ambivalent to the whole organized religion thing. i'm not one to knock it, but somehow i know at this moment in my life i'm not feelin it right now. i've never in my life felt the urge to go to church or some lightening bolt will strike me down. but if you can do it i applaud you.

or how people can be so sweet. take my boy jon. he's a great guy...if you're reading this jon..YOU ARE A GREAT GUY. to equivalate ( i wonder if that's a word) someone to sweet november? that's truly amazing. to think that one person could change your life and your willing to say your good bye to them....that's just ... wow... i can't comprehend words to describe how i feel about that...

and my best friend ivy...your letter really meant a lot to me...i wrote it in the earlier blog, but really it did. it makes me appreciate our friendship even more...hold on...i'm getting vaklempt...talk amongst yourselves..here's a topic, why is elaine a better best friend compared to jen...talk...hehehe (just kidding jen!) point to forehead, point to you, point to forehead, point to you....ivy you know what's up =)

 
yay papers done....it may be shitty...but i'm done....

ivy: expect a snail mail message...i really appreciated your letter it meant a lot to me!

mike: thanks for the random trip to goldilocks...fun times...and yeah i should know when you call me up we're probably gonna go some place far...hehe

 
living life through a smile has been a wonderful feeling...i don't feel that stressed about things right now...and its great. i know that i usually strive on stress, but right now i'm not letting it get to me. this morning i woke up with anxiety, because i felt like i haven't gotten anything done in ages, but today i felt like i accomplished so much. i finished my programs for my hall and i turned in all the paperwork. i went to class and got my grade option signed, i just need to go into humanities and beg for the petition to go through...i talked to gaby and the ha thing looks good for me...=)

even though my dad called about my humongous cell phone bill i'm not too worried, bc i know that they'll take care of it...that sounds a bit spoiled brattish, but i know its true...and i'm not too worried bc altho we've gone through hard times, we always seem to get through them. and in the end i know i'll help them out when i can.

i got to spend time with the homies today too...lunch with nic, hans, beester, and jp was nice. i realized that if our friendship were a sitcom we'd be seinfeld. we spend our time together arguing about NOTHING. and we have the best time doing so. its the greatest. i love those kinds of friendships...where you argue about nothing and are constantly laughing...it also comes with being able and sit in silence and just enjoy each others company. like we don't have to scatter our times with conversation we could just sit together and listen to music and everything would be fine...that's the best kind of friendship

yay...life just seems to be on the up and up...

maybe hershey's is right, smiles are contagious =)

 
john: you made me smile just now...thanks! what you said really touched me. i value you too buddy!
karen: you do what you gotta do...i hope it works out for the best...
dar: thanks for being a good friend throughout all this year...i thought i was done making any new friends i'd connect with, but then there was you! you're dope girl and i know when we're done with ra-dom we'll still be friends...i better be invited to the wedding!! hehe
joyce: thanks for showing me the magic of tgi fridays happy hour!! hahaha j/k thanks for being one of the few people in reach last year that i truly connected with...i'm happy you're on staff this year so i still get to bug you hehe ;)
caren: thanks for holding my dc today!
alex: thanks for the laughs
bryant and vu: thanks for licking my cigarettes...you know i'm gonna smoke them anyway right?!?!
mike: thanks for reminding me of the beauty of spoken word and for gettin say anything...i swear i'll get a dvd player soon...=)
ivy, jen, richard, jose: thanks for a fabulous friday night of sangria and paella...what was the name of that restaurant again?
nic: thanks for being a good best friend and your understanding...you know that i gotta do what i hafta to be happy...=)
kat: thanks for guiding me to better days...i hope your days are getting better!
mikey: thanks for making me think twice about things and for making me laugh...=)
vince: thanks for being an awesome lil'cousin. i can't believe your graduating! maybe we'll be coworkers @ borders huh?? that'll be pretty funny!
sean: thanks for being there to listen...one day we will hang out together, instead of always talking about it!
charlie: thanks for letting me bug you with my randomness like asking you to burn cds that i'll never pick up bc i'm so busy out here! and i swear i'll go to a performance!!!!
the rain tree house: thanks for letting me be a seasonal roomie with you gals!! i swear i learned next time i get food be sure to ask jenn!!!
debby and twinky: thanks for being two of my oldest friends in college...i know i had my mistakes...like one in particular who you don't like....but i understand where you two were coming from NOW....hahaha
ngoc: thanks for just being an awesome friend...i really hope you get ra, so you can share all that you know to some freshman...they'd totally appreciate it!
mesa ra's: thanks for giving me a reason to smile everyday bc i know i work with a bunch of crazy kooky people! i'm gonna miss you guys when this is all over...its almost over....=(
otero resis: thank you for being the best bunch of resis an ra could have! i'm here for you, i hope you all know that...i'm gonna miss you all when you go...i'm tearing up just thinking about it!

i know there are probably more people to thank right now....but i can't think...thanks everyone for being there for me i guess....

 
huh?

 
why is it you want what you can have? like right now i want to listen to my avalanches cd, but i have no idea where i put it?!?!?! and i have tons of other cds to listen to, but i just really want to listen to that cd RIGHT NOW...damn it...don'tcha just hate when that happens?!?!?!

 
insight into a person's mind is exciting and frightening at the same time...bc do you really want to know what i'm thinking? or do i really want to know what you're thinking? 1984 said that ignorance was bliss....sometimes i truly believe that. but then again, many a times, i like to live in oblivion because its so much easier...but then again would i be living life to its fullest?
probably not...

i'd only be living life at half way...
knowing only half of a person...
the half that they show to the world.

so in essense i'd like to know what's in your head, because that means i know the complete you, or at least the complete you that you show to the world...but i wouldn't mind only knowing half of you...i'll get to know the you that you let me see, because only you can show me what you want me to see...

i do it too...i let people know half of me bc i've been hurt too many times by people when i let myself entirely go. those few people who know the entire me, are rare...and even then they probably don't know everything...bc sometimes i think i don't even know myself

i only know what i see in the mirror everyday, and even then i can't remember what i saw yesterday, today, or what i will see tomorrow. many a times i only know what's in the moment now...and frankly thats fine with me...because that's all i know...

if its wrong or right, who knows at least i can say i know myself for the moment i'm in now...

have i confused you? sorry, i tend to do that sometimes....

 
man i left my comb in la!! hey if one of you finds it...its the purple one with black hair dye on it, mail it over here yeah!!!! ahhh now i have to brush my hair when its wet, ouch!

 
the beauty of friendship is that you can talk as much shit to each other and still have mad love for each other.

prime example: last night...dinner with the la homies: ivy, jen, jose, richard, vdg and her roomies

so the car ride to the restaurant we were going to was hilarious. we sang along to the ultimate 80s cd and breaking out into broken eclipse of the heart randomly,i got to listen to bitch 1 and bitch 2, richard and jose, bitch with each other, and i got to perplex ivy's head with figuring out how to many degrees of separation marlon brando is to kevin bacon...val kilmer is the key, elizabeth shue is the key. the night to me was truly a vacation from the hectic schedule that's called life (a lil'melodramatic i know, but who cares!) the food was wonderful. yay spanish food, the food of our conquerors! i liked the fact jose and richard pointed out that they booted the spanish after they gave the mexicans big dresses, shame/guilt (catholicism) and the language, while we chose to eat our conquerors...that was a nice moment at dinner.

oh this dinner was fabulous...and the sangria that came with it was fabulous as well. we kept ordering like it was water and drinkin it like it was too. and damn that bread...why was it so good with that garlicy mayonaise?!?!?! all i know is when the check came i wanted to drink some more sangria bc i knew we'd hafta pay a high price for what we were doing...ordering sangria like it was water...we didn't even know how much one pitcher was!! heh...you only live once, might as well enjoy it with wine and friends....

i noticed something too..i always seem to knock out on jose and ivy's floor. it just seems so comfortable, until i wake up the next morning and realize that i've been sleeping on the carpet all night...ahhh yes too much sangria , too much anything = elaine on the floor. everyone knocked out so early, it was like we were all like grandpa and fell asleep early. i couldn't even enjoy richard's company because i was asleep on the floor! oh well...i owe him a barney's trip...oh hell i know the next time i'm up there there'll be more drinkin involved...i think i could take richard on on a drinkin binge...hmmm maybe??? the way they were describin that one trip to barney's i don't know....do you think i can do it ivy???

last night really felt like a sitcom moment to me. enjoying dinner with a bunch of friends...singing random songs...having tons of wine...talking shit...laughing a whole lot...good times...=) happy elaine

 
enjoy the moment...

three simple words, a simple solution to resolving stress and troubles...i think i'm learning to understand those three words. i think i've come to realize that life is simply moments strung together. whether these moments be bad or good, they are simply the moments of life that you can either choose to enjoy or be in constant search of the moment....

life is a moment, so enjoy the moment...(perhaps finally finishing the tao of pooh is materializing in my being?)
============================================================

i'll have to agree with schoolhouse rock that "3" is the magic number. Friendships work well in threes. I have two best friends and we all balance each other out. ivy is the practical one, while jen's the dreamer, and i'm a lil'bit of both...i think we're like that for each other..am i right jen? ivy?

also statements in three seem to have so much power or weight...like when you hear, "can we talk..." that can mean so much, you just don't know it. the news may be good or bad, but those are three words that we know come with a lot of baggage.

or "i miss you..." i don't know, but have you ever heard someone say that to you? honestly my heart melts because it means that someone cares about me and wishes i was there to share their life with them. for the longest time i could never bring myself to saying those three words to people because i didn't want to admit that i needed anyone, but if its anything college has taught me its that life's too short to not tell someone you miss them. i miss all the oldies and friends that have moved on and graduated. smoking buddies at the cross--people watching in the front or having a stoige in the back office--, roomies of the past, we may have had our hard times but those times made life interesting, high school/la homies--constantly lettin me be the honorary roomie from OC....say i miss you to someone and you can hear them glow on the phone when you make the comment or you can see it on their face when you finally see them...three words that mean a lot

pass/not pass....okay okay, i know that one seems a lil' bit off. but when you're gpa is in the balance and your academic career depends on it....it can save your ass...gpa is one too...damn you grade point average...why should that be the measure of my grad school options?!!

and lastly "i love you" these are three words that can either be extremely easy or extremely hard to day.

for example to family that's the easiest three words...i love them. no matter how fucked up they get or how fucked up they treat me i will always love my family. they're the only thing constant that has been there for me. through the shittiest of the shit, to the highest of the high, those people who share my blood and will always have my love.

for friends....i say it to them whenver it seems right. i think when they need to hear it, is when it finally comes out. friendships such a funny thing. there's always this unspoken sense that there's a bond, where we love each other, but its never expressed outright. but there's moments where you know, it needs to be said...i probably am not explaining this sufficiently, but i hope my friends out there understand. i've probably told you that i love you all anyhow! and if not....at least now you know that i do love you, i just don't always say it....but then again friends never really say that you know? it'd be a rose-colored world if we all did, but we don't live in one.

and then lastly the i love you reserved for someone special...i don't think i've ever said it to anyone in that way....no i know that i've never said it to anyone that way, because i'm flat out scared of doing so. like i said...its things in threes...its a magic number...

 
tired is me
tired is we
party at night
studying in the early morn

tired is me

 
words of wisdom from the tao of pooh...

when abstract and arbitrary rules were imposed from the outside, struggle was inevitable. only then did life become sour.

when you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun.

things are as they are

the wise know their limitations; the foolish do not

...things happen by themselves, spontaneously...i

no stress, no struggle.

Enjoyment of the process is the secret that erases the myths of Great Reward and Saving Time. By Enjoying the Process, we can stretch that awarenes out so that it's no longer only a moment,but covers the whole thing. Then we can have a lot of fun.

everyone is special.

do you want to be really happy? you can begin by being appreciative of who you are and what you've got. do you want tobe really miserable? you can begin by being discontented. wisdom, happiness, and corage are not waiting somewhere out beyond sight at the end of a straight line; they're part of a coninuous cycle tht begins right here. they'e not only the ending,but the beginning as well.

nothing is something. and something is really nothing at all.

the power of a clear mind is beyond description. but it can be attained by anyone who can appreiate and utlize the value of nothing.

===================================================================

maybe that silly old bear has got something? if i could only remember these things daily i think i wouldn't be so stressed out. like it says, no stress no struggle....

the way is right in front of me, i just need to stop looking so hard...

 
they say when life gives you lemons make lemonade.

but what if the only way you know how to make lemonade is through a frozen package and you just add water???

and who the fuck are they ??????

ahhhh.... the idiosyncracies of life......

 
in essense friendship is an odd thing...

you go through your ups and your downs, but through it all you can still consider someone who you might have lost faith in...a friend.

maybe i have no spine? and i can't realize when i've been dissed where i should let people go, but i believe that people are inherently good and can improve. perhaps the bitterness that i've exude is all a facade or ill founded? no that's not true....

but i've come to the realization that i can never let friends go...altho people have caused me pain and heartache i will always care about them. its just so easy to remember the good, and the moments i've shared with people. the good times will never disappear...memories never disappear...

although the same can be said about the bad times...the times that you only seem to discuss in drunken rages/sprees...

i guess i'd just like to relish in the good...

when its good
its good
and
when its bad its bad....

like i said friendship is an odd thing...

 
happy solutions to a bitter pill of a time:

*music
*good friends
*hearing the sound of your voice (your being anyone of you who read this, because if you do, you are one of the people who make me smile...)
*sleep (i think my insomnia has been cured, i've been sleepin early lately and feelin good.)
*dreaming (you'd be amazed how that can actually help....)

at least throughout all of lifes horrible moments i have those things....although, life right now isn't so horrible....well minus the whole school thing....=/

The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.

this is what the dalai lama says....maybe we should all take his advice?

 
emotional roller coaster was yesterday, hopefully today won't be similar.

all of a sudden i feel really good.. not like nothing can harm me, but that i've finally put something to rest and can move on. its so easy to constantly repeat a mantra, but when a mantra finally becomes truth....life is amazingly easier.

if i've unintenionally annoyed you in the past couple days with my grievances i throughouly apologize. you all are my friends so you have sufficient cause to bitch slap me to reality when i act like a fool

i'll end with a quote that i think is shakespeare....not too sure....

is all life what it seems, but a dream within a dream....

the dreamer is reborn....

 
THANK YOU KAT!!!

you've made my day so much better and you've made me smile! i'm happy and content again! YAY =) you crumbled the pedastel and i knew only you could bc you know my problem the best out of everyone out there...

now i can go do work that's been ignored for so long...

i know i have lots of things to smile about, i've just been a dumbass stuck on something that i shouldn't have been...yay i'm no longer stuck!

I HEART YOU KAT!!!!! yes you are the doctor!

 
i was perfectly happy and content until last night.....and then i've been overthinking again (something i know i shouldn't do, but do too much). so now it feels like my hearts breaking all over again....AHHHHHH i should stop overanalyzing every situation and just go with the flow. i will take everyone's advice...i will take everyone's advice...i will take everyone's advice...

why does it seem so hard to make the obvious choice???????????

eek...i don't think listening to metallica and p.o.d is helping maybe....

ahhhh some dashboard confessional....yes..............

............................................................

 
kevin and bean on the radio...

just when you think things are going good, the past can come back and bite you in the ass....

is this all a test????

i hope i pass and make the right choicce.....

 
ahhhhhh

boredom is a horrible mistress. i feel like there are so many things i should be doing, but i'm sucked into the black whole that is boredom. i'm bummy that i can't go to tomo culture night...but its ok...i'm sure they'll catch it on film somewhere... =/ oh wells

ahhhhh my b\rain is seriously losing brrain cells from the lack of stimuli these past couple weeks...

ok....1 hour and 45minutes until freedom and counting....

 
=)
clarification is a good thing...now things don't feel so weird

=/
less smoke, more studying...if that's possible...

this has again been a no studying weekend...but a much needed vacation from life. time to return to earth and resume our normal lives....

 
mp3's on emm's computer...

i'm tired as hell from semi...its early, i have no idea what i'm doing up. i had lots of fun last night at semi and at emm's, even though all i did at emm's was sleep! i think its time for me to go back to the real world when i hit mesa grounds....homework and studying that hasn't been done for the past 4 weeks, cleanin a room that's perpetually messy...

brain not working....cann not think coherently....ahhhhh too many substances are flowin in my system

song of the moment: beatles, i wanna hold your hand....

 
at the cross....meandering before I fail my stats tests....


when you've been oblivious to your feelings for so long, realization of them is such an odd test of your strength and emotional stability. and the thing is you can never go back to obivion once you've come out of it...i know its great to not be in oblivion, but shit sometimes when you've come to realize a feeling you didn't know you had...u wish you could go back and live in the oblivious state of affairs because although life was confusing you had no clue what you were confused about!


does this make anysense to anybody? probably not because even after i've written this I don't know what I mean!


I do know that i've used the word or some word that's connected to oblivious many times in this entr

 
kevin and bean on the radio....

happyness seems so short lived, but i feel like i'm on the way to it...

i'm confused by the ambiguiety (i really need spell check...=P) that i seem to be living in...i think i need to clear things up soon before it drives me crazy!

thank you for spending time with me and cheering me up this past week:
nic, mike, bananas crew, the new snakebite posse, alex, chari, emm, jen, ivy, dar and joyce...

THANK YOU for making me SMILE =) i hope all of you know that there's a special place in my heart for all you special people!!