i need _______

to do my Sexuality in Film mid term and analysis papers: due weds, feb 5th

read for my queer id race rep and get the questions for my mid term which is either next tues or next thurs

apply to graduate [finally]

pay my phone bill so my phone doesnt get cut off again

put up my feb calendar

go home and be with mom and pop for a bit. i miss them =(

find a job so i can take care of mom and pop [yay to finally doing a freakin resume]

hang out with the la crew [altho it feels different without richie and ronald and dare i say it jose {the 3bitches} ]

breathe

 
a ok

so the hazy funk i was in is pretty much through. i'm still worried about a relapse, but its good to know ive got good ppls around me.

so lazy lately, missed spanish two days in a row and queer id race rep two weeks in a row

need to learn some self control [money and otherwise]

the arc is becoming a friend again

i think i'm sleeping too much, and yes there is such a thing. ever since i gave up soda i've stopped my caffiene intake and now i feel all sluggish. BOOOO

gonna head out to rock bottom for danielle&kuya's party tonight. its 5bucks to get in. none too shabby. and itll be fun times to hang out with ppls i havent seen in a while.

yay homie phil said hes gonna hook it up with a trucker hat with this cool graph art on it. shweet.

donnie: the colored section. if you like conscious lyrics with soul, funk, and jazz cop this album

i'm off to the arc although i should be in class right now =/

 
out and about

yesterday i was able to step out of my funk for a bit. went to the good ol'city of angels for some relax time at amoeba. bought two cds donnie:the colored section [very good...almost stevie wonder-esque conscious lyrics its awesome] and thievery corp:richest man in babylon the cd art is basically an photography book. quite cool. mike tried to cut in front of pauly shore. who i noticed when i was diggin through the dvds and contemplating whether or not to buy the band of brothers box set [74.95? 69.99? 64.95? gonna check out half.com or dvd.bargans.com first] i just couldnt bring myelf to such a large purchase although its whatever price for 6?dvds and 10 episodes of the whole series. might rent it first instead. but ya pauly shore was there at amoeba. i wondered if he had trickled in bc he had tried to make an appearance at the "how to lose a man in 10days" premiere which was happening next door at the arclight. and from what i saw of kate hudson...ya she's bea-U-ti-ful. and yes you must say it how i emphasize it. hehe the post amoeba meal consisted of canters which was a good meal and then it was off to the bubble for some rest and relaxation via the simpsons/futurama [damn them for being on head to head], king of the hill, and my bed. yay bedtime.

i think the funk i'm in is starting to break. thanks to the night out [yay mike] and to the news my pops gave me. kaiser permanente is not charging us over 10gs for moms room, which makes them no longer my bastard kaiser permanente insurance. i am quite happy with my hmo service thank you very much. just dont fuck up again or i'll be damning you to the fiery embers of hell multiplied by infinity [i know theres a lotta of ppl who get screwed by hmos so i think this punishment is quite fair, no?]

so this haze...starting to clear i think. schools starting to creep up on me and i need to get my shit together, but i know it always does. turn in shit late, not turn it in at all, and i still am able to make decent grades. so c'est la vie.

this is my lot in life and i suppose i'll stick to it.

peaceful tidings

 
blind

i was so blind to the fact that i was so lost and scared that to actually come to terms with it is frightening. i dont know whats going on. but this overwhelming feeling of anxiety has taken over me. and its not like i've got any thing big going on either i just have this feeling of anxiety. which blows because usually i can pinpoint the cause of it and fix it. but the pinpoint of this anxiety can't be fixed.

crap =(

 
bah

WARNING: this is an emotional rant about my life...if you wish not to be tormented with my tearful/angry memoir than please push the X butten on the top of your screen. if not, then thank you for being a loving and caring person in my life

today was an extremely hard day. it wasnt that i was doing anything strenuous physically, but mentally i think i've hit a brick wall that's ten stories high and is to no end when i look left or right.

i thought this weekend was to be a normal at home with the 'rents weekend. only it wasn't. saturday was officially 3 months since my mother had her stroke. 3 months since the woman i knew left this earth and returned to me so small and broken. it was a weekend where many of the smoke and mirrors my family has put up to protect me were shattered and cleared.

a) kaiser permanente sucks ass and there billing my dad over 10grand for services that are supposed to be covered by our insurance. WTF is that about???
this made me scared and angry. where the fuck is my family supposed to come up with over 10gs?? then came the guilt. i've been living life in this stupid irvine bubble, probably adding to the debt that we can't afford and it made me feel like a horrible leach.
b) my pops might have an ulcer. my tita nenette told me to watch over my dad bc he's been having stomach problems and if there was something wrong he wouldnt really tell me. shit. he can't be losing his health too
c) our bastard kaiser permanent insurance only covers moms for 100days at her convalescent home. i dont know if moms will be well enough when our 100 days is up, which is somewhere in the end of feb or beginning of march
d) our townhouse isn't gonna be right for moms when she gets out and we still havent found a single story house in the valley. fuckin real estate is expensive and i cant seem to find any foreclosures in the area.
e) moms isnt comprehending things very well. she can't really read. today broke my heart when i brought in the paper and mom kinda skimmed through it only to hear my dad say that she's can't really read it. then to actually become privy to it when tita nenette was coaching her with these basic reading cards [ya know the stuff that kindergarten kids use to learn to read] and moms was having trouble with it.

there were some bright spots in the weekend. seeing moms eat solid foods. seeing her walk around the convalescent home. getting a response when i give her a hug and a kiss. hearing her say "i love you" to me.

i really am trying to see the best in this entire situation. but its getting harder and harder. you never think that something like this could ever happen to your family and then when it does you wonder why it was your family. why the fuck is my family going though all this bullshit???? i watch the osbournes and see that sharon has colin cancer and thats a terrible thing to go through, but they've probably got the finances to bankroll chemotherapy. does my family have the ends to bankroll my moms treatments???? without insurance i have no fuckin clue.

this whole thing has made me reevaluate my future, my life, fuckin everything i do. and i wonder what the hell i'm supposed to do now. i need to graduate. i need to finish the year. and then what? go back to the valley where i have no idea where i will be living, no idea how my mom will be doing, putting off my grad plans.

i am lost and scared with what the future holds for me.
i am lost and scared with what the future holds for my family

simply put

i am lost and scared

 
when we were kids...

we used to play football in the streets
we called STOP to the ice cream man from our house only to watch him get angry as we took to long to get out
we played "school" in the patio
we walked to the library
we sang in the church choir
we performed at family parties
we played ball in the driveway
we rode our bikes in the neighborhood only to turn back four houses down bc that was already too far from home
we sat on the tree stump in front of lola's yellow house
we picked grapes and strawberries from lolo's garden
we wore uniforms to school
we played red light green light with the broken down camero as safe
we took sticks of gum for lolo and lola's neighbor uncle joe
we had bbqs with korean bbq, chicken, and baby octopus
we had my moms green jello cheesecake
we had tita nenette's sapin sapin
we had norman's fried rice
we fought over who got the neck piece out of the chicken
we fasted on fridays
we had fast food every week
we played basketball for the school
we had a family party every week
we knew what a family was like
we were quite tight
we played
we laughed
we loved
we learned
we grew up too soon

 
eek

all of a sudden a wave of selfishness has swept over me. i just wanna sit and read and write and search online and sleep, mostly sleep.

its hard being the happy one...

its not that i'm in a deftly remote area of depression at the moment, i'm just tired of the shit that goes on in this world to cause the people i care about to be put in such pain and/or suffering.

the world is once again flipped upside down and everyone i know seems to have a frown
im tempted to run to a place where falsities breed smiles
but a least my surroundings, although empty will not feel like shit piles
but i can't run, running away never helped
instead i'll stick around and get washed ashore like fresh kelp

thursday will be good times at joys party...if i can make it to thursday....

peas&carrots

 
late night ramblings...

just do what you have to do to make yourself happy and fuck all those that stress you to do "the right thing"

the right thing for yourself comes at its own pace

i'm sick of stress aquired from someone elses mess.

leave me be to live my life whether i fuck up is my choice it will be my strife

 
old farts

yes yes i have come to the conclusion that i am an old fart. i went to my final winter retreat with apsa. my first and last winter retreat was in mammoth with apsa folk. got my mammoth sweater since i really have no idea when i'll ever be there again. it was a trip of driving really.

went to the protest in sf and connected with craig, thien, and kirk. it was good to see them again. haven't seen those guys in a while. the protest was amazing. so many people learning, listening, conversing, dialoging about peace. i kinda did what i normally did and let my eyes and ears soak everything in. it was an experience i will never forget. that protest also made me come to the conclusion that i have to find a way to live in sf. the vibe is so different. the only thing that truly fears me is the distance from family and they've obviously been on my mind a lot lately. perhaps when things finally get settled down i shall make the move to the bay...or even seattle. but i want things to get back to normalcy first ya know?

then it was back to mammoth via reno [lost 10bones on slots] can came to another conclusion: lainey isnt a fan of the gambling. i get bored really quickly. maybe i just need to find a game that suits my liking. back at mammoth it was time to roam around and look at nature. it took me a while to get in the mood, but the beauty of the nature was amazing. it made me think of the last time i was with the 'rents in yosemite and in arrowhead. when the evening came around it was time for games [which i avoided by playing pusoy dos sith the other old farts] and mafia [which wasnt that bad] then it was time to watch a bit of battle royale and kick it in the old fart room

then the long ride home was not too bad. made a stop at manzanar war relocation camp. it felt strange to be there. and it was hard to comprehend that 10,000 people lived there for 4years. then the ride home was filled with mike dealing with my randomness. sorry buddy =p

and now...now i'm hungry in need for somme grub and i must do my spanish homework.

hope everyone else's mlk wkend was just as spectacular.

and in the spirit of martin luther king jr i hope everyone still dreams...

for peace

 
craziness

so yesterday my old resident sajjad asked me to use me as a reference. most of my old resis asks that for job apps and i always say yes. so i told him yes and good luck on the job interview. but he corrected with me and told me that it wasnt for a job interview but for an interview with the INS. they needed to interview him because he's a guest in the unites states. and to make sure he wasnt a criminal. i never got a call about background checks or what not and sajjad told me that his interview went well and the ins believed that he wasnt a criminal. he's a student. are we now going to interview all the "guests" that are in the united states paying out of state tuition to these universities for an education?

i suppose in the aftermath of 9/11 these interviews of "guests" is for homeland security and they will continue. i just hope and pray that we don't treat these "guests" the way we treated japanese americans in wwii.

another act on the part of the us govt that causes me to believe that the eurocentricity of the country i live in will never disappear. and i shall live as a constant foreigner in a land where i claim my birthright.

craziness

right now is moment for:

peace

 
dear _________

this is a formal letter to you. to tell you how I feel. to tell you how much i miss you. although i hardly see you, you are always in my thoughts. i wish i could say prayers, but i'm not one to really pray. i can remember times when i was so angry with you, but i LOVE to remember the times where all i could feel was this unconditonal love from/for you. there are so many things on my mind that i want to tell you AND when i get the chance i always seem to forget or MISS my opportunity to tell you my thoughts and ramblings. you mean the world to me, you are MY everything, like the cheesey love song that plays on the radio. My Oh My. what a long journey this has been to realize all this.

iloveu,
me

 
everything's gonna be alright...

things are going pretty good with this health tip. been walking to class [can't walk today though since i'm running a lil late,but i'm gonna hit up the arc today] havent had a cigarette since sunday. the 2nd hand that i'm around has been enough. i've been smoking since my junior year of high school i think it was about time i quit. that's 7 years on and off. god damn thats a lot of money and a lotta lung power. gave my last couple of cigarettes to mike yesterday so there is no more nicotine with me at all. so i guess i am a quitter after all. quitting was bound to happen. the other day i mentioned to jay how i had a pack of cigarettes in my bag [unopened] and i just didnt feel like smoking them. i was buying smokes and smoking bc i was just so used to the routine of smoking. and now that i've stopped i dont miss it that much, but i dont crave it that much either.

the whole non meat thing is semi hard. mooched some orange chicken off nic, altho my veggie patty sammich from subway was quite the tastee. i need to go the grocery store and pick up some boca burgers and/or veggie patties. i know ucla andy is gasping in shock at my choice of food items. no worries it looks lkike i'm gettin a grilled cheese while you partake in that 10 x 10.

time to get ready for escuela

eat them :

peas&carrots

 
quickie

here's a quick way to stop doing all your horrible habits:

GO TO THE DOCTOR

so i just got back from the doctor and basically i need to lower my blood pressure and watch the salts and smoking. so from this point on...for the sake of my health:

no smoking
no meat [red meat]
no soda

and i shall:

walk to class
walk home from class
start going back to the arc.

damnit now i realize why i avoided going to the doctor for so long...

peas&carrots

 
grrr

yesterday at work i tripped and hurt my fucked up knee. grrr so now i'm all gimpy and can't extend my left knee all the way. man. as mike puts it i have one of those knees so i'm gonna be in pain for a while. at least i only have one class today. and then its off to hang out with moms! yay. i miss mom and she's been doing a lot better: walking and talking. one bummer is that now she has to have restraints on her bed bc she tries to get up and walk around. the other day she did this and she fell. =( i'm hoping she's doing better though. i can't really do much with her bc of my bum knee. i'll probably just study in her room or something.

alright i'm outs time to get ready for this thing called monday.

and i still want boba since debby didnt get me any! ;)

peas&carrots

 
i want boba!!!

i'm usually not a boba freak, but i'm craving it right now. debby's coming over i told her to bring over boba...she's got stories. debby and her stories always fun. i'm glad she's coming over bc i dont really get a chance to hangout with her.

umbrella councils holding their retreat in my living room. its interesting to be on the sidelines of a retreat that i would probably be facilitating say it were last year.

i'm on duty grrrrr never fun

ive been thinking about a lot of things. i'm happy where i'm currently at, but i'm wondering when my happy bubble will burst. guess thats the pessismist in me {shrug}

peas&carrots...

i want boba....

 
i am???

 
old friends still equals good times

pictures can say a thousand words, but they can also haunt the fuck out of you too! i had dinner tonight with jen, kim, pauline, tina, and tina's cousin emily. we all were friends in elementary school at good old st. genevieve. it was so much fun to catch up [pauline's engaged! ohmigosh] talk shit [about anjoline of course!] reminsce and eat enormous portions at cheesecake factory. ugh i'm still full.

when we were done with dinner we headed back to the brockton pad and looked at pauline's tub of pictures. oh lordy...those are embarrassing pictures. my hair is super huge bc my perm frm 4th grade didnt grow out, we are dressed in the ugliest fashion [but we thought we were soo cool] think body suits, big baggy jeans, box pants, big black belts, thigh high socks, prep sweaters, chokers, crochet vests...oh gawd i'm getting sick just thinking of those clothes! we were so young and stupid! but we had so much fun.

its amazing how some people still have that connections. like with pauline and tina although years have passed since we've hung out, it felt good and there was no awkwardness at all. pauline still has that innocent tone in her voice. tina's still tall and beautiful and funny. hopefully when we said we're gonna do this again, we really will do this again.

although those pictures should be burned, i'm still glad that we hold on to them bc some really fun memories are attached to those ugly fashions, adolescents flashin signs, and us kids just being kids...

 
"online journal-ism."

i saw this phrase on my puso pal's online journal and i thought "wow, thats kinda cool" to get my ramshackled thoughts out in the open...i figured that most of us who participate in this online debauchery of blogs, xangas, online journals...are journal-ists. be it we are writing the stories of our own lives. for ourselves, for our public, for a stranger, we still all write to let things go, for therapy, to share our lives with far off friends. whatever the reason...we all take part in an age where anyone, anywhere can be a journal-ist and claim their own online journalistic publications.

bah these are the random musings that are in my head.
probably the product of 11hrs asleep in bed
for now its off to work and make me some money
and suckaa's cleaning the house, ahh what a honey
like that role reversal of gender roles =p

peas&carrots

 
=) yay

duty shmuty was bleh. but at least now its over and i have to turn in all this stuff before i'm off to borders...bleh again. but at least there's a check there for me bc they fucked up last week so i get some more money this week! yay

and suckaa came home with superduperpeachykeen gifts. yes yes it was the year for accessories. i got several wallets and purses. i currently have changed the jcrew magic wallet for the new one suckaa bought its made out of nipa and its peachykeen. and just when i was thinking of upgrading my poor poor janky ass phone i got a new case. it has stitch on it! yay to the lilo&stitch obsession hehe. and now my phone looks brand new. yay! thanks for hanging out last night =D and the presents suckaa =p

now i have to go to work..grrrr but tonight looks like an la evening so i have that to look forward too, yay

hopefully this will be a yay day!

peas and carrots!

 
freakin duty...

its the 2nd of jan and i'm stuck in the av rec room bc i'm on duty and i'm dc tonight. i know all my former mesa ra's know how i feel right now. it sucks. i'm on lock down. and i'm hungry, bored, hungry, bored, did i mention hungry and bored.

at least i have a tv with cable and elections on.

bleh back to doing nothing...

 
2003 is finally here

i spent my new years eve by working from 12-5 and then by hanging out with my family when the ball dropped. nummy filipino food of course =) and watching dvds. i saw most of triple x, which from what i understand is thug gets caught by a govt agency of sorts, thug gets the chance to save the world and does with a segway into a sequel. then when the karaoke took over it was time for me and my cousins to find refuge in another room to watch the real world marathon where i saw the same person cry about 5 times in one episode. after that i hung out with my two aunts and my cousin in-law eric, where i was taught how to play mah jong. i swear i've learned how to play that game at every family new years party at my tita evans' house. but i still never have any clue what i'm doing and i get nervous when money is mentioned.

when the ball dropped we all toasted our champagne [my only alcohol for the evening bc i was pops desginated driver], picked up the obligatory new years change, a glass broke [of course] bc my lolo chucks the change up in the air too hard and i hugged and kissed all the family around me.

it was fairly normal new year's affair for the descallar clan. minus the fact that we prayed the rosary for my mom before we ate dinner and most importantly, my mom wasnt there. it hurt the most when i would go over to hug my pop and see the sadness in his eyes bc he couldnt spend the new year with his wife. i know he didnt express verbally to anyone there, but i could see it in his eyes and i felt lost and helpless bc i couldnt do anything to make him feel at ease or better. so i let my dad get lost in the budweiser at hand and promised i wouldnt drink bc i had to drive.

this holiday season hasnt really felt like the holiday season for me. i said my "merry christmas" and "happy new years" but someone important was missing. when i would go home the house didnt feel holiday festive at all. there was no tree this year, no manger set up, no holiday spirit at all. bc there would be no one this year to share it with. i feel so guilty sometimes bc dad is by himself and moms alone in her room and im out here, in irvine, so far. for the past two years i've taken my new years celebrations for granted, always knowing i could come home and visit my parents, share a home cooked meal with them and then return to irvine. i havent had a home cooked meal in ages. i've had take out and fast food. my aunts try and overcompensate by telling me and my dad to take home leftovers, but it never tastes the same. i have no idea when i'm ever going to have a home cooked meal from my house again. i dont even know if i'm going to be living in the house i've known for the past 19 years come june. i pray that one day i get a home cooked meal made by mother again. i pray that i never have to see my father in so much pain on new years again. i pray that i dont have to shed any more tears over this subject again. [yes yes i'm crying while i type this...]

a toast to the new year and all the hopes we carry in our hearts

sorry if this is too misty eyed and sad...late night reflections=entries like this