songs in my heart

i want to go to a show. not a show in mike's definition of a show, which is a hip hop show a la smoky rooms, crowded rooms, turntables, beats, and rhymes. although that is a good show.

i want to go to a SHOW. like as in musical show. i havent been to a show in forever. i think the last thing i saw was FLOWER DRUM SONG at the MARK TAPER FORUM. i miss the music center. i miss shows. i miss belting out the lyrics to a recently seen show. memorizing every line, every lyric and singing my heart out.

i sometimes wish i had gone to that open audition for RENT when i was in high school. yes RENT and not MISS SAIGON. yeah i loved that show too, but i'm tired of asian butterflies. i wonder if my voice had enough chops back then. shit i wonder if it has enough chops now???

when i'm in my car/room by myself and i'm singing at the top of my lungs it sounds perfect. like when i was younger and the music teacher liked my tone...

hmmm...

what is this feeling i'm having crawling back? singing... shows... open auditions??? someone stop me before i pick up a backstage west...

 
grrrr

things that suck:
school not being over already
people expecting you to do what they want at their whim
wanting to say a big "FUCK YOU" but not because it would be improper
wanting to say "yes you ruined my life thank you very much, have a nice day" but not bc that would hurt someones feelings
being questioned for feeling my own emotions
not understanding my own emotions
wanting to be alone
wanting to be with someone
not knowing what i want

yay
things that are good:
school coming to an end in 14weeks
being able to smile and think "FUCK YOU" and feel good about it
being able to smile and think "yes you ruined my life thank you very much, have a nice day" and feel good about it
laughing over drama
smiling
thinking evil vengeful thoughts but having the ability to put those actions aside [thank you sign of maturity and growth]
laughing at my evil vengeful thoughts
belting out old songs from musicals [ragtime, rent, cabaret] in the comfort of my car or home
realizing that belting those songs is fun and it sounds nice and i can still sing on key
having people question whether or not what i write is about them or not




persistence leads to trouble
relaxation leads to peace
my roads of trouble are dwindling down
and now i'll sleep in and dream

 
untitled
imagination leads to difficult situations of ups and downs and all arounds
and wonderment of reality in my state of triviality
vengance is such a horrible thing to feel or want
i just want to leave to get out to be still in silence without words or emotions
without words or emotions i wouldnot couldnot feel lies, pain, lust, or love
without words or emotions i would not could not feel sorrow, despair, happiness, or you
i'd be free from the trivial ties of this earth
and perhaps succumb to the protection of the stars
cradled in its bright lights of moonbeams and dreams of a far
pains would slip beyond my reach and be lost in a world of muttled dreams
desire would become askewed in a world where i could permeate without emotion

would i be dead then? no feeling? no emotion? no pain?


i know not what ramblings i speak of at the moment
i dont know what to feel at the moment
i'm lost


again












but surprisingly...i smile

 
i'm hungry

 
i need a love...

i need a love that can make me smile
and listen to my thoughts for awhile
to take care of me in certain ways
calming my nerves when they've gone astray
not a love that is paved with money and gold
but a love that cherishes time and growing old
together in complete harmony and bliss
this is the love that i seek, i miss
it isn't encompassed by kisses or sex
but by conversations, silences, and intellect
a partner who will make me feel needed and comforted
who won't make me feel insecure and disjointed
this is the love that i long for and seek
i have yet, found a man, who's made my interest peak
perhaps my dreams will one day be fulfilled
for now i'll concentrate on me and hone my skills
in time i know this partner will come to pass
for now i'll live my life simply and accidentally stumble upon a love that will last
accidents tend to lead to forever kinships
and this is how i end it, no more words from my lips.

 
"One Is The Magic Number"jill scott

No hay nadie mas que yo,
Uno es el numero magico
En vida y en muerte,
Uno es todo
Comprende
If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
La [x6]
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
Me [x8]
So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes (La da da, la da)
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number [x2]

If I add myself unto myself multiplied times
You and yours and you again
There's just me
And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is, there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree,
Use any theorem
There's just me

There's just me...
One is the magic number [x2]

Me, me, me, me...
[Ad lib to end]

 
i want out

i loved my run in college, but i want out. i'm tired of being here now. now that i know there's other opportunities for me out there. i just wanna be out there and not here. i'm growing up i guess. i know all my friends and family who are already in the real world will tell me "take your time" and "enjoy it while you can" dont get me wrong. i do enjoy college for what it is and the good times that i've had. but dont you also remember those feelings of wishing to be around your peers that aren't around anymore? bc they've already moved on and graduated? that's what i'm feeling.

the job track is already on my mind, school is hardly in my scope although i know it should be. i'm all about apps, cover letters, resumes, benefit packages, salaries...

i loved the run i've already had, but i can't wait to finally have it come to a close.

guess i'm a fatalistic realist with a candy dimpled smile.

 
time

15 weeks
[not including spring break, then its 16 weeks]

and my college experience, my undergraduate experience shall come to a close...


i applied to graduate yesterday & had a discussion about this with mike.

man oh man

15 weeks...
real world, here i come

 
when do we allow destiny to run our lives or live our lives according to our destiny?
______________________________________________________________________________
i had a strange dream last night. i had just woken up at around 530ish and then went back to bed before the dream came to me.

i was in my dad's accord, which had been turned into a stick shift, and was driving up this hill behind a motorcyclist, who was constantly fiddling with a pack of cigarettes in his leather bag and we were both behind this bus...not a yellow school bus, but a metro a la rtd type looking bus. we were stop and go for quite some time before we [the motorcyclist & myself] got to our destination, which was a flower shop in a nice tall building at a top of a hill. the city we were in was very seattle/san francisco-esque. in the flower shop were two ladies, i assume them to be the florists. one was asleep i think or busy on a couch, while this other lady, the one that we talked to, was arranging some flowers together. the colors i saw throughout the dream were: blue, sea blue, , brown, burgundy or deep red, white, green, cream like the color of manila folders, black, an assortment in the flowers, red like a red zone on a curb, yellow and orange...

my dream dictionary told me many things:
building: the building represents your life achievement, so if the building is large and luxuries your life will be comfortable...my building was quite tall and very nice
bus: waiting for a bus indicates temporary setbacks...(but i dont know if this counts, i was behind the bus in traffic..)
drive: driving myself indicates money problems in the next couple of weeks
florist: if unattached it indicates a serious new romance
flowers: live flowers are an auspicious omen of great personal happiness
cigarettes: lucky omen pertaining to prosperity
traffic: to drive through traffic successfully forecasts an easement of family difficulties
moftorcycle: forecast refers to affairs of the opposite sex
motor: smoothly running motor is an aomen of solid progress
helmet: to see others wearing helmets indicatest that you could run into problems created by your own lack of organization
blue:liberation of worry or help from outside sources
black: unfavorable omen
brown: money luck
red: forecasts unexpected good news
green: travel or news from a distance
orange: suggested change will be delayed
white: certain promise of success that pertains to you
yellow: forecasts setbacks and struggles before improvment can be achieved

hmmm thats a lot to think about...but i felt very good after that dream. like a new day had begun and that the future was going to be alright.

 
no more backwards motion!

i know this sounds selfish but i am going to focus solely on my wants and needs until my college days are through. a supervisor once told me that college is the one time in your life where you get to be selfish and concentrate on yourself. i never really took her words to heart. but now... now i'm going to.

i realized that my problem is that i find so much happiness in pleasing other people and not myself that i get into trouble. i dont want to feel like my friends and what not are burdens. these people and situations are not burdens, but cherished people and moments.

i've been in a state of looking back so much that its clouded me from looking forward to the future.

i will get through this quarter and the next and concentrate on what I'VE got to do to survive.
i need to stop looking back and drumming up memories and living in the past...it causes only severe depression and pain
i will understand what i've got to do

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

i need to focus on me for once

this is what i've been missing for so long...or at least i think i forgot that I was IMPORTANT enough to care about

peace and blessings

 
...

moms is home yay :)

i can't see her for a while tho bc of school and what not boo :(

progression is one step forward and two steps backward

i currently feel like i'm in backwards motion

 
st. valentine...

before there was hallmark there was st. valentine. and somewhere somehow the message behind valentine's day is there in between the chocolate and cheesey hearts.

happy valentine's day...



ps: happy birthday blog.

 
=/

i hate feeling helpless...

if anyone knows of a way i can make millions so i could buy my parents a house and get my mom a good caregiver please let me know...

=(

 
i can't believe a year's gone by so fast...
RENT

what i learned in class yesterday:
progression is one step forward, two steps backward.

which is probably why progress takes so long to materialize.

tommorrow will officially be the one year birthday/anniversary of my blog.

and as the rent line says, "i can't believe a year's gone by so fast..." a lot has happened in this past year. i went from being a nobody, to being 67 of the greatest kids' ra. i went from being a stranger, to a best friend, to more than a best friend, then back to a best friend. i went from doubting in the idea of love, to finding love, to losing it, and to finding in it again. i went from having my career path being entirely shifted by family struggles. i went from being normal to being a person's who's mother is a stroke survivor. i went from being an ra to an ha for 32 of the greatest housemates. i went from being a mesa all star to an av head.

i've grown up a lot in the past year and i think i'm learning that the people around me are growing as well. throughout college we are never really complete people. college is the one time in life where you can be selfish and FIND YOURSELF. and i think i've found out a lot about myself this past year, these past five years at uci. come june a new chapter in my life begins, which is a good thing, bc i can honestly feel this chapter of my life coming to a close.

i've cherished everything about this year. i've cherished everyone in my life this year. its been one of the hardest years of my 22 year existence.

and to that i say,

i long to find happiness in love, happiness in life, but i realize that to find all those i must find happiness in self.

peace and blessings
i'm going to start finding my own happiness

 
so sick of finding love in all the wrong places
wonderin what alterior motives are behind these faces
i'm just going to sit back and watch the world turn
and listen to records and see the sky burn
no more worries about living a life of drama and stress
i'm done and through with our mess
and to all those people who worry how i feel
thanks, but no worries my heart has healed
although you may all think i'm supposed to do this and that
i am a grown ass woman and can handle all this thats a fact
see i look at the word love and see it spin
i look at it and see it as the state i'm in
for you can find the world love in the word evolve
and thats what i've done, i have not dissolved
into some wilting flower, some jaded thing
my evolution is my revolution
so please accept these words of conviction

let the evolution begin...

 
enjoying the moment

i've gotten back into the groove of things to how things are meant to be. hung out with moms and pops. that's actually fun times. moms is funny, her sense of humor is coming back. it kinda sucks when she doesnt wanna eat the food the hospital gives her, but its sucky food so i understand. me and pops always end up buying her something from manila sunset or 99 ranch or valerios to appease her.

me and pops cleaned out so much shit thats in our house. we donated so much stuff. old clothes, toys, shoes [so manypairs of shoes...=/ ], needless crap. it felt good to finally donate some of that stuff. mom always wanted to and now that its gone the house is looking a lil bit bigger. plus we also threw away a lot of crap as well. it just feels good to let certain things go. it was kind of hard to sort things out bc i'm such a packrat, but some of it just had to go.

now i'm sitting here contemplating whether or not i should sleep or study for my midterm on tues. i havent really studied for the class so i think i'm screwed... nothing unusual there.

i'm not stressing too much about life right now. kinda just living in each moment and enjoying what gets placed in my lap. life is much easier when you realize the simplicity in happiness is simply understanding that appreciation is the key to smiles and joys.

enough of my babbles....
peace

 
i do have the strength to get through this. in fact i think i'm ok now. you will always be my best friend and i thank you for it. id rather have you in my life than out of it permanently. so i've come to the conclusion that we've done what's best.

having my cake and eating it too...

 




Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz



how very true hehe

 
the bestest

my daddy is the bestest! =p

I love you too, elaine, very much.
There are only 2 women in this world that I love like this, your mom and you.
Dad

it doesnt hurt that bad anymore :) thao's right. two days and cookies and i'm ok. thanks to thao and caren for listening to me last night. thao is also right again bc after telling the story so many times, all the reasons that used to make me cry... well they don't anymore.

hooray for happy days! eh ok well not exactly happy... but better =)

i know why he's so scared. bc a love like this is forever and forever is a scary idea. i dont know i dont seem to be daunted by it at all. i just think if i'm going to be happy than i'll be happy and who knows bc the idea of forever is simply that...an idea. that's why id never ask for forever. its an impossible task. id just ask for love and ive already got that so i guess thats what i asked for.

i've always been one to go with the flow of things, but i never think it will last forever. everything in life changes, nothing is static. even a love between two people doesnt last forever bc eventually someone passes away. i saw my grandma die when i was 16. and i know its depressing to say that it was the end of my grandparents love...but really it kind of was. the memory of their love for each other is what holds my family together, but the actual love, the acts of love, they've passed. but we dont dwell on that bc sometimes the memory is enough to sustain a whole family.

yay to the memories

 
nic's right lauryn hill is a genious
i think i found the perfect song...


ex-factor

it could all be so simple/ but youd rather make it hard/loving you is like a battle/ and we both end up with scars/ tell me, who i have to be/ to get some reciprocity/ no one loves you more than me/ and no one ever will

is this just a silly game/ that forces you to act this way/ forces you to scream my name/ then pretend that you can't stay/ tell me, who i have to be/ to get some reciprocity/ no one loves you more than me/ and no one ever will

hook:
no matter how i think we grow/ you always seem to let meknow/it ain't workin'/ it ain't workin/ and when i try to walk away / youd hurt yourself to make me stay/ this is crazy/ this is crazy

i keep letting you back in / how can i explain myself/ as painful as this thing has been/ i just can't be with no one else/ see i know what we got to do / you let go and i'll let go too/ cause no one's hurt me more than you/ and no one ever will

repeat hook

care for me, care for me
i know you care for me

there for me, there for me
said youd be there for me

cry for me, cry for me
you said youd die for me

give to me, give to me
why won't you live for me
(repeat)

 
ok yes yes another update..

dear everyone, especially mike,

i think my crying and depressing spell is over. thank you to everyone who has heard me cry [bee, jen, even you mike] especially my dad. today i really thought that all i want to do is go home and all i want is the comfort of my mom and dad. and that made me sad bc of the state my mom's in. i knew i couldnt call home and have my mommy answer the phone and have her voice soothe my nerves. so instead i called my dad and he helped me realize that there is hope in the "real thing" and it gives me happiness to know that what my mommy and daddy have is the real thing. i know what the real thing is and it is out there for me somewhere.

i'm ok. i'll make it through this. it isn't the end of the world. bee says: God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle. if not god, than buddha, zoraster, or allah wouldnt give me anything i cant handle and i can handle this.

if i could handle my mom's stroke this should be cake...i think i just had to realize that i've got it better than most folks.

i have friends that love me, family that will never let me down, and myself to get me through this.

i love you all, and yes especially you suckaa

i guess all i needed was for the sun to come up :)

thanks for caring and loving me everyone

 
its over.

i cried so much and i cant believe its over.

i suppose it was bound to happen...but i still love him. and he had to say i love you just as i left.

i dont understand if two people love each other why they can't be together.

i suppose it would have been easier if he had never said it and i had something to hold against him, but i already knew...i always knew... and i can't help but think i made the worst mistake of my life.

i can take happiness in knowing that someone out there loves me the way i love them though

i can take happiness in knowing that i was able to say "i love you" and mean it

i can take happiness in knowing that my best friend is extremely special to me

so i can be so happy, why am i still so sad? and why can't i stop crying?

bc if i'm so happy why can't i be happy with you?
===========================================================
edit 758 am

my mommy & daddy are the real thing...
i thought i had it too
i guess there are ups & downs in everything
but i guess i'll just concentrate on school, on my family, on me
and then on day it won't hurt as much
i can't say on friends bc that includes you
i'll try to not think of askin you to give me a hug when i need one or to hold my hand when i need it too especially not to give me a kiss
bc if i ask you its going to hurt just as much as it does now
i can't ask anything of you anymore bc its not my place to ask
heh but i wouldnt mind it if you asked me...
but i dont know if you needed me as much as i needed you
and it hurts bc how am i supposed to not need you now

school, family, me, work, breathe
school family me work breathe

hopefully i wont have to remind myself what i have to do and i'll be able to do it without pain

=/

 
i dont know if i was being strong or being hasty or being me

i love you too

 
i got these quotes from one of the raddest boys around noah...my favorite hapa =p


"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love someone. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich, or how to be poor.

They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.

They don't teach you anything worth knowing. " - Neil Gaiman

"Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love." - Gaiman

 
stupid period

 
if

if i could i would watch ever single film that i have ever enjoyed in my life over and over again
if i could i would sing my heart out every time i heard a song i loved
if i only knew the wealth of money i could take care of moms and dad
if i only wouldn't over think perhaps i wouldnt cry myself to sleep
if i lie in bed crying over this i may just have to hit myself
someone hit me, ouch someone hit me
if i only knew the solution to my problems i dont think my life would be so problematic
if i didnt feel like i was overstepping my bounds i would tell you my concerns
if i didnt feel like i was being taken for granted i would ... actually i dont know what i would do
i hate if's
there are no solutions with ifs
fuck ifs
FUCK ifs
DAMN ifs
because i live in a world of if's
like :
if i walked away from you right now, what would you do?
if i didnt love you anymore, what would you say?
if i there was no more room in my life for you, how would you react?
if i actually acted on a 3rd of my thoughts, what would occur.
if only if

[edit 1:32pm]
everything in my life is currently better than what is was previous so i have no idea why i'm feeling like shit. or perhaps i do and i'm too scared to face those facts [graduation, real world, moms, drama in general] because then i would have to face the reality that there's a lot of shit going on in the world and i've got no control over it, and i truly wish i did.

i feel like i'm lost on the road to happiness and all i want to do is find a gas station and ask for directions...

that or i wish i had that new camry that ivy speaks of with the gps system...

 
www.kabalarians.com

The name of Elaine creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility. In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters. The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.
While the first name of Elaine has some constructive qualities, it has characteristics that undermine your long-term happiness and success in life.

OR

Your first name of Lainey has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods. In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start. This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced. As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess. Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.
While the first name of Lainey has some constructive qualities, it has characteristics that undermine your long-term happiness and success in life.